Loss

It happened to me.  

And I so foolishly never thought it could.  

I always bypassed all of the chapters about it in the books I read.

That won't happen to me, I thought.

I'm young and healthy... I'm safe, I thought.

But it did happen....

I had a miscarriage at the end of February. 

And although we weren't trying to have another baby, it doesn't mean I wasn't excited.

And although we weren't trying to have another baby, it doesn't make it hurt any less.

The beginning of October was the due date.

So many thoughts and emotions were going through my head when we found out.

Scared and nervous at first... Wren and the new baby will only be 18 months apart.  Can we do this?

And then happy and excited... Wren's going to be a wonderful big sister!  We can do this! 

Then one morning I woke up bleeding.

Too much blood to be okay.

Chris and I spent most of that morning at the doctor's office.

They couldn't tell us much at first... except that I was losing a moderate amount of blood.  

Some women do bleed throughout their pregnancy, the doctor said.

Some women go on to have absolutely normal pregnancies, the doctor said.

They ran the entire gamut of tests.

Ultrasounds, blood tests, internal exams... but they still didn't know for sure.

I thought I was 8 weeks along, the doctor thought closer to 6.

It may be too early to see anything on the ultrasound yet, she said.

Don't give up hope yet, she said.

So we waited.

I went back 2 days later for more tests.

And we waited.

Finally, a call back.

Your hormone levels are dropping, she said.

I'm so sorry you have to go through this, she said.

Absolute heartache.

Something may have been not quite right, they all say.
I know this.

It's nature's way of taking care of things, they all say.
I know this.  

But I also know this... it does not matter. 

No one can say anything at the time to make it hurt any less.

Because it does hurt.
Emotionally.  Physically.
And it still hurts.
But I have had time to think.

To reflect, recover.

And I am all right... really, I am.

Everything happens for a reason.  

I do truly believe this.
And life goes on.
It must... and it does.

I am so grateful for all that I have.
My wonderful, loving husband.
My beautiful, happy baby girl.
My amazing support system of family and friends.

But there will always be that tiny part of me missing...

The baby that was... and then wasn't.
But I am okay with it now.

It's part of me now... part of us, Chris and I both.

Part of our story.

It has made me hold Wren a little closer and a little longer at night.

Relishing in the fact that each and every child is a true miracle.

And I know that we will have another one someday.

Wren will be a wonderful big sister someday.

And it's that hope that gets me through this tough time.

And it's that hope that makes me smile.

***I truly appreciate all of the kind words and messages of concern I received after posting this a couple of weeks ago . From emails, phone calls, sympathy cards, flowers... I really am touched by your kindness and caring words.  From the bottom of my heart, thank you all.